22 animals that will kill you

While we sit at the top of the food chain, there is no shortage of natural enemies we humans face on a daily basis.

Congratulations for surviving long enough to be able to check out this post.

Here are 22 ways the animal kingdom is most likely gonna take you out.

22. Sharks
More scary than deadly, shark attacks account for about 5-10 deaths per year. There is something called the ISAF – the International Shark Attack File – which tracks all shark attacks around the world. Interestingly, the non-fatalities are grouped into ‘provoked’ and ‘non-provoked’. And while the non-provoked outnumber the provoked by about 2 to 1… that means half of all shark attacks happen to people who are literally out fucking with a shark. If you go dick around with the ocean’s apex predator, and get yourself eaten… that is 100% on you.

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Those teeth are for kisses.

21. Wolves
As the wise philosopher Duran Duran once posed, “In touch with the ground, I’m on the hunt down, I’m after you, Scent and a sound, I’m lost and I’m found, And I’m hungry like the wolf.” About 10 people per year find this out the hard way.

‘So the Nothing grows stronger…’

20. Lions
In a surprise to no one, Lions treat themselves to 22 human flavored snacks every year. Lions can pretty much eat whatever they want, and sometimes, they want you. It’s nice to feel wanted.

I will devour your soul.

19. Leopards
Unless you live in India, Nepal, or Pakistan, you are probably safe. There is no official database of Leopard attacks, and since many happen in very remote places, the number of unreported is not known. However, Nepal seems a good destination if you want to die by Leopard attack as they average around 55 deaths per year, add a couple dozen more to that and you’re probably close to a total death toll. That’s a lot of people killed each year right after muttering, ‘Oh wow, what a beautiful Leopard…’

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‘I want kitty treats. Now.’

18. Horses
Our equine friends are responsible for about 100 deaths per year, mostly by accident… or so the horses claim.

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Oops.

17. Cows
Unlike horses, cows know exactly what they are doing. They recently found out where hamburgers come from and they are pissed. 22 humans must pay with their lives each year in the US alone.

Gaze into the eyes of pure evil.

Gaze into the eyes of pure evil.

16. Ants
There are 280 kinds of ants that will happily end your life. 30 people per year go out like they are in some sick insect cannibal snuff film.

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Proudly displaying the broken and charred bones of his fallen enemy.

15. Spiders
It is estimated that the world’s 25 million tons of spiders kill 400–800 million tons of prey per year. A couple hundred pounds of that is PEOPLE! The numbers vary greatly depending on where you live, but roughly 50 unfortunate souls die from a spider bite every year.

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A big ‘ol handful of ‘Nope’.

14. Bees
Just edging out spiders, bees claim an average of 53 people per year from allergic reactions to the venom in bee stings. It’s a fair trade for all the honey we steal.

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Please explain my connection to ‘birds’

13. Tigers
Because of the remote nature of where the attacks occur, numbers are hard to track, but most happen in India. Around 40-60 people die per year from Tiger attack which tells us all that Lions are just plain lazy.

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Go ahead… see what happens…

12. Deer
While the deer themselves don’t attack people, they fling themselves Kamikaze-like across our nations highways intentionally causing traffic accidents resulting in over 120 deaths per year.

Arkansas hunter dies after being attacked by deer he thought was dead - ABC News

I will end my world to end yours.

11. Jellyfish
Approximately 150 people die per year from jellyfish. From jellyfish!

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Death disguised as beauty. Just like my ex. Ba-Zing!

10. Elephants
Roughly 500 people are trampled annually by elephants. They are smart animals. They know exactly what they are doing. These are the assholes that start stampedes at rock shows.

Bring it.

Bring it.

9. Crocodiles
Once again, due to some of the remote nature of the habitat, reported numbers range from a couple hundred up to 1,000 horrifying deaths per year. These things look like they were bred to kill people. And like it. They’re goddamn dinosaurs… that DIDN’T DIE WITH ALL THE OTHER DINOSAURS.

You taste like chicken...

You taste like chicken…

8. Tapeworms
These parasites can feed off a host undetected for up to 20 years. You might have one right now. Around 1,000 – 2,000 people fall to the evil tapeworm every year.

Enjoy your pasta.

Enjoy your pasta.

7. Scorpions
The smaller, the deadlier. Estimates put the death toll somewhere 3,500 – 5,000 per year. Some cultures eat these bastards. True story: A military friend who served in Iraq told me about a rule which needed to be put in place which stated, “Under no circumstances are you to interact, play with, provoke, OR MAKE SCORPIONS FIGHT EACH OTHER FOR MONEY.” Apparently, out of boredom, they’d catch these little shits, put’em in a box, and since scorpions hate each other as much as they hate you, they’d duke it out. The problem being, too many dumbasses kept getting stung in the hand, which makes them swell up, and thus, unable to perform duty. Plus, they had to shake out their boots each morning to make sure one hadn’t crawled in there the night before. Look at it… there’s a weapon strapped to its ass! C’mon…

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God: ‘Oh yeah… and make sure to fill the pointy thing with poison.’

6. Assassin Bugs
So stealthy, few have even heard of them. The bug itself is not as dangerous as the multiple diseases they carry. Just like my ex. Ba-Zing! 10,000 people fall victim every year.

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No it’s cool… it’s just a little cough… no big deal…

5. Tik-Tik / Tsetse flies
Another carrier of disease. (….) Bugs carrying smaller bugs. Chalk up another 10,000 dead.

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4. Dogs
Man’s best friend? Not to about 25,000 people per year. Roughly 186 deaths are from violent dogs, the rest are from strays infected with rabies.

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Make no mistake… we will eat you if you don’t keep with the dog food.

3. Snakes
Another that varies widely depending on where you live, but anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 folks die from snake bite each year. At least a quarter of those died shortly after saying, ‘Naw… I don’t think this is the poisonous kind.’

You are right to fear me.

You are right to fear me. Look into my eyes Jungle-Boy…

2. Mosquitoes
Notorious carriers of disease and responsible for countless deaths over mankind’s history. Even with modern medicine, 725,000 people succumb to sickness transmitted by mosquito bite. 600,000 from malaria alone. These little fuckers have been waging war upon our kind for millennia. The mosquito is my state bird.

Take some blood, leave a disease. You're welcome.

Take some blood, leave a disease. You’re welcome.

1. Humans
By far… the biggest danger to man… is man. The numbers are impossible to calculate between direct violence and indirect neglect of environment and health. But upwards of 500,000 per year die from their own species. We kinda suck.

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***Addendum:

It was brought to our attention that Hippos kill approx 2,900 people each year and should have made this list. We should no longer considered a reliable source for science stuff and other smarter things and offer our sincerest apologies. If you see a Hippo in the wild, do not try and pet it. It will kill you.

hippo