Movie Review: Kill Bill

by dick

I was able to tolerate the decision for the “Matrix” sequel to be released as two movies: “Matrix Reloaded” and “Matrix Revolutions.” Both movies are allegedly over two hours in length for a total film experience of somewhere around five hours. I believe, quite firmly, that releasing the movie as one big picture would have been a far better idea, especially when taking note of all the lukewarm to downright awful reviews “Reloaded” has had come down on its head. Still however, I can see the impetus behind the whole splitting-the-great-big-film-into-two idea. For one, theater chains wouldn’t much like the idea of booking a five hour long movie and for another many with ADD simply wouldn’t be able to keep their mind on the bongwater-derived story of “The Matrix.”

Quentin Tarantino, after five years, is finally set to release his new movie entitled “Kill Bill.” It’s a three-hour film, which means it’s roughly as long as one of “The Lord of the Rings” installments from Peter Jackson. It’s not an unmanageable length. Sure, if the flick is dull then asses will get sore, but so be it; let the asses of the masses suffer for art. As it stands now no QT fanboy’s bottom will experience discomfort because word on the street (and by street I mean Internet) is that this three-hour picture is being divided in half. That’s right; Quentin’s little three-hour movie is going to be shuffled out to the public in two ninety-minute installments. That’s twice the time looking for parking, two times the pre-movie commercials and trailers and double your popcorn, soda and candy expenses not too mention ticket costs. If Peter Jackson had decided to hack up “LOTR” into ninety-minute installments it’d have been six years before we’d get to see Gollum bite off Frodo’s finger and take a dive into the big fire. QT’s camp is a bunch of conceited assholes. I’m not going. I ban “Kill Bill.” I will not waste my time going to a movie twice, driving to the theater twice, standing in line twice and waiting through noxious pop music and moronic trivia questions twice for one fucking movie. This film better tank or this is the kind of bullshit we’ll be seeing time and time again. Movie studios will start pushing for longer running times. Hacks like Paul Thomas Anderson will torture his fans two times with just one of his ungainly epic length filmic shit-heaps. DVDs will no longer feature deleted scenes because every last scrap of cutting room floor celluloid will wind up on the big screen whether it serves the best interest of the filmmaker or not. Directors’ heads will bloat to double their current sizes as they see studios loving their final cut decisions as long as their final cut cuts nothing. Maximize movie lengths for maximized movie profits.

“What do you got there? A three-hour film? Well, do you suppose people’d object if we released that as three films? We’ll market it as cinema for the man on the go. When you don’t have the time to spend two hours on your ass in one sitting we’re there for you.”

I’m telling you, we’re running headlong into a cinematic disaster here. They’re going to milk our entertainment dollars for all they’re worth. When they can’t manage to come in under budget they’ll simply charge us double. It’s bad enough we have to sit there, a captive audience, as they schlep Coca-Cola, Audis and the “Los Angeles Times” in loud over-bearing commercials that we evidently paid six bucks for the privilege of seeing, but now they want to twist our balls up with that crap twice.

I’ll be waiting for “Kill Bill” on DVD so I can watch the damn thing the way it should be watched: as one movie. I actually enjoy immersing myself in a long story and getting involved in the world in which it occurs. I’d rather not have my coitus interrupted with the words “To Be Concluded” and find out I have to wait six months to climax.