Review: Five Foot Thick

Five Foot Thick
“Blood Puddle”
(Eclipse Records)

Like one White Zombie wasn’t enough, Eclipse thought they’d subject us all to more sonic abuse, courtesy of the super-tough guy, rock-rap bullshit of Five Foot Thick.  While you might have thought Fred Durst (did you know he has a Curt Kobain tattoo?  What a prick) has done enough damage to the hardcore scene already, it’s always surprising when people try to emulate his bullshit.  There’s a decent chance I use the word “bullshit” in every sentence of this review.

Why bullshit, you ask?  I’m calling bullshit on the lyrics.  I’m calling bullshit on the screeching, awkward electro-bits in the background (if you’re gonna suck you might as well be original, instead of biting some bullshit Korn style) and what you’re left with is nine tracks of the chest thumping and lyrics that scream, “Bored as hell!” over and over again.  Yeah, well, I’d be bored as hell if I had to play this derivative bullshit too.  The one nice thing about Five Foot Thick is that all of the songs sound exactly the same, so I don’t have to waste any brain power looking for differences between the beats (fast), the message (nothing), the guitars (loud) or anything else.  Simply awful and total bullshit.