Review: Crom  

““The Cocaine Wars 1974-1989””
(Pessimiser Records)

Black-death-speed metal in arctic barbarian packaging.  On the cover is a half-naked warrior chick riding a polar bear and inside are renderings of our Vikingesque heroes and there’s another nice sketch of one of them snorting lines of white powder off of an ancient dagger.  All this and more helps to make for some of the funnest schtick-metal you ever heard before you even get it in the CD player.  Holy Robert E. Howard! . . .  the songs (30 of them in 36 minutes) aren’t bad either!   A lot of “where have I heard that riff before?” silliness and then total Slayer meets Spinal Tap at an SCA convention, punctuated by humorous bits of sampling and programming (even including a bit of Kraftwerk’s Trans Europe Express!).  Haw, haw, haw!  This is the most brilliant piece of tounge-in-cheek metal I’ve heard since Godheadsilo’s “Share the Fantasy” and Crom goes a hell of a lot further with the whole thing than they did (emphasis on the “hell”).  Shee-at.  I’ll keep this one.  Cut the sleeves off your shirt and go rent River’s Edge.  Crom Rulz!